words are flowing out like endless rain....
Miserableacross the universe. amazing song.
Do you know why monks chant 'ommmmmmm' while they're meditating?
They believe that it's the sound the universe makes... so chanting it, y'know, puts them at one with the universe. I read that the other day.
Now, if I ever say it to myself, I feel like I'm transcending into a different spiritual realm, or something similar. It's an otherworldly feeling.
i've been caught up in school. failed a test today.
i need to rant about a dumb, teenage predicament that i'm in. Feel free to skip, it's dumb.
i've been bestfriends with a boy (we'll call him A) since second grade. Well, roughly a month or so ago, A broke up with his girlfriend that he's had for a year and a half. He's over her by now. Anyways. Everyone expects me and him to get together, because we've known eachother for so long. I think I like him... but I'm not sure. And even A's mother (she's a teacher at our school, so I talk to her all the time) is encouraging me to make a move because A doesn't exactly know that he should. She wouldn't encourage me to do this if A didn't like me in the first place, and it's something I've kind of picked up on. Now, A is very good friends with another boy(we'll call him B) that I am also very good friends with. B is much more mature than A. A is still at the point where he'd ditch his girlfriend to talk to friends. B is not. I've seen him with girlfriends he's had and he's romantic and caring. And wouldn't ditch his girlfriend to talk to his friends. I like B. He's charming. I think he very possibly could like me back, but I'm not sure.
I need to figure out who the hell I like. And what I'm going to do if I end up liking B more and not A, and what A would do if something started between me and B, and if hurting his feelings is something I'm willing to do for that something between me and B. I definitely DO NOT want to hurt A's feelings, if I can help it. And I'd be dissapointing almost everyone I know who wants me and A together. I just don't think he's ready right now for the kind of relationship I'd be after; I don't want him to treat me like he treated his other girlfriend, and I don't think he's matured enough to realize that's not how you treat girls you date.(He blatantly ignored her, he did not act very boyfriendly to her.. ever, and stuff of that caliber, plus the ditching for the friends thing.) He's got it in him, he's just not there yet. And I have waited SO LONG for him, roughly two years. I've liked him that long and I really am just done with it at this point. He dragged his ex on for MONTHS before finally breaking up with her, just because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just.. I don't think I want to date him or like him Right Now. Maybe in the future, but not Now. I think I like B and I want to like B and I like to think I may have a chance with B. I think I'd like a relationship with B better than A. I just don't want to piss off who I know I'm gonna piss off. A's mom keeps encouraging me and I don't know how to tell her that I don't think he's ready for it. I just... don't know what to do.
I talk about this like either of them could ask me out any day now and it's URGENT that I figure this all out... And while it is important to me that I do... There's no way either of them would do it. Because they're both very good friends/best friends with another boy (C) that I dated last year... and who still isn't over me. So neither of them would THINK to ask me out because of how much it would piss C off and hurt his feelings. >_<;;
/endteenagedramabullshit
I had a meltdown yesterday. I have a lot of schoolwork to do.. don't understand half of the shit we're doing in algebra AND biology... and I think I must have some ear problem 'cause i'm still having trouble with the listening thing... and my friends are going through shit, and i worry about them so much... and i don't feel talented, and i worry if i've got it in me to be all i want to be and if i can make my dreams come true, and I've been getting thoughts like "well there's plenty of tylenol lying around at home, and all you gotta do is take a whole bottle and that's that.." ect. and i don't like having those thoughts. yesterday, when i was starting to have that meltdown, at first i couldn't cry.. i just hurt so bad. it was like there was a vacuum in my stomach cavity, pulling in all my organs and making it hard to breath and feel anything other than that. it was terrible... and i need help... if these thoughts continue, or if i have another meltdown.. i'm going to someone about this. i'm trying as hard as i can to pull myself out of this and get happy again.. because i don't want to know what could happen if I don't...
i have to organize my room and finally unpack shit... and somehow get xmas presents and make cards. somehow.
i don't know if i'll be on DA much lately... but i'm done with school 'til the newyear on the 18th. so hopefully i'll have an artistically productive break... i've been getting ideas lately for poems ect... so maybe i'll make something of it.
and just in case you were wondering... i didn't do anything for NaNoWriMo. I didn't have a chance to start anything. I mean, I started Roach last year and in that entire time, i got one chapter up in November and through the year another chapter. And Chapter three has a total of... three sentences? Maybe enough for a paragraph. In total, I currently have.... at least eight stories started.. and at least two others still in my head. Some I've had going for years. I have at least two of them outlined.. but still. I don't think I should be starting anything new, anytime soon. Oh, make that nine.. because we're writing books for english class. So I've got a post-2012 'apocalypse' drama thing on the way. and I need a prologue and two chapters of it done by the 18th. @____@ And I've hardly started.
I love you guys. I'll comment your guys' stuff and deviations ASAP. I barely have time for the interwebs anymore. ;_;
I'm so glad you enjoy R2 8D
--
-Alucard: What is the problem, my sweet, emo flower!?
-Vincent: You never call me any more! And I made you waffles!
~PureVenem 'n me.
...Yes. That be FF-VII Vin and Hellsing Alucard :3
It's fantastic, how could I not? 8D
--
Give Peace a Chance.
...
*cough*
I mean...
Thank you D////:
Seriously, I'm so glad R2's being appreciated ;^;
--
-Alucard: What is the problem, my sweet, emo flower!?
-Vincent: You never call me any more! And I made you waffles!
~PureVenem 'n me.
...Yes. That be FF-VII Vin and Hellsing Alucard :3
haha.
--
Give Peace a Chance.
--
-Alucard: What is the problem, my sweet, emo flower!?
-Vincent: You never call me any more! And I made you waffles!
~PureVenem 'n me.
...Yes. That be FF-VII Vin and Hellsing Alucard :3
--
-Alucard: What is the problem, my sweet, emo flower!?
-Vincent: You never call me any more! And I made you waffles!
~PureVenem 'n me.
...Yes. That be FF-VII Vin and Hellsing Alucard :3
--
Give Peace a Chance.
--
-Alucard: What is the problem, my sweet, emo flower!?
-Vincent: You never call me any more! And I made you waffles!
~PureVenem 'n me.
...Yes. That be FF-VII Vin and Hellsing Alucard :3
--
Give Peace a Chance.
Live! D:
*pokes and runs off*
--
-Alucard: What is the problem, my sweet, emo flower!?
-Vincent: You never call me any more! And I made you waffles!
~PureVenem 'n me.
...Yes. That be FF-VII Vin and Hellsing Alucard :3
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